Break on through to the other side

Very excited.  After some tumultuous times with my daughters other family, we finally had a sit down talk like respecting adults.  I've been saying for months, years even-since I knew I wasn't going to be with the dad while I was pregnant, that I wanted my daughter to have a relationship with that side of her family.  But they've been treating me like I'm this evil person.  I found out why, my ex's dad had another family-an ex-wife and daughter that he's barely seen.  And I unfortunately got lumped into the "league of evil exes" because of it.
But after yet another screaming match with my ex, I drove over to his parents house, and got into it with his dad. But one thing that my ex did NOT get from his dad-is the power to calm down and have a rational adult conversation.  But after having that with his parents, his mom came in afterward, I can see a light at the end of this tunnel. I'll be very excited when I can start posting more positive things!  Just that 30 minutes with his parents gave me hope for a better time dealing with her dad.

Just go away. . . if it were only that easy

One of these days, I'm going to be happy. Everything is going to work and my daughter's dad and I will start to act like adults for our daughters sake. 
But apparently that time is not now.  This weekend is just a blur of missed communication and screaming (all him) and I don't know what else I can do beside keep asking for some kind of meeting with a neutral party.  But, that's not going to happen either.  I don't want to get mean, I want my girl to know her dad but I also want to be treated with respect.
One day. . .

Bitter is as bitter does

A big part of my motherhood journey is finding the balance between the "single" and the "mom" parts of my title.  I've been nothing but a doormat to these guys who feel the need to come into my life and mess it up.  Some were unintentional, but one--just doesn't get it.  Why on earth would you decide to tell a just dumped single mom that you wish you could go back in time and be with her?  And then get all butt hurt when she tries to call you on your crap? 
It's the same with my daughter's father--he turns about 5 when he doesn't get his way (and half the time, I don't even know what his way is, he won't talk to me about anything important) and runs and tells his lawyer that I'm being mean.  Awww, poor guy.  
But as I balance these jerks with my daughter's care. . . it's becoming a tiring battle.  Between school so I can make a better life for us and work (which contains the same high school crap I longed to get away from).  I'm tired. I feel like I fail at every turn. The only plus is that my daughter is happy and healthy. 

I know that's all I need. . . I know that's all I need. . . .I know that's all. . . .

Guilt is Inherited

I feel guilty over every little thing I do, think, say. I feel guilty for typing this now. My daughter is entertaining herself so I have a couple moments to sit alone. But sometimes I want more or I want someone else here.  I wish there were two people here for her.  And wanting to put up Christmas decorations and on the verge of tears because my girl won't be with me Christmas morning; and no one else will be either.  I just want to be happy again and not feel so guilty about what I think she's missing out on. I thought last night; I didn't miss one Christmas with my mom and dad until I after I turned 18. And I'm missing my 20 month old's 2nd Christmas and will miss every other one until she's 18 along with every other holiday.  I'm selfish-I want her to myself. I don't want to share with a guy who walked out. I know he's half her genetic makeup-but I don't want to share this gorgeous gift with him. I wish it was someone else--anyone else--that I'd had her with. But that brings guilt-because she wouldn't be the awesome little girl I love, she'd be a different little girl (or boy) that I would love just as much.

Love will tear us apart

I'm a hopeless romantic. I love to be in love. I still think it will happen for me, but the other part of me that's a cynic is telling me it's never going to happen. Who's gonna love a girl with another guy's kid? That guy didn't want you-he left. He looked his daughter and former fiance in the eye and still walked out the door. Then there was B. Who didn't want a relationship, just someone to be around while he stayed in Wyoming. Great!  I didn't want anything serious either, but when you stick around for over a year and live with me and my daughter for eight months, it doesn't matter that you didn't want anything serious, you got it. But I guess when the baby isn't yours-you get to leave whenever. No looking back.
But then-there are the guys who look back! Getting emails and texts telling me that you should have married me when we haven't talked like that in over five years! But then telling me "Oh, we're going through a rough patch. . .Sorry." The one person I would have married in a heartbeat if he would have asked. But you know. . .whatever.  I just to wait. . .and wait. . . and wait.
I love my daughter. I love watching everyday discoveries. She loves everything and everyone around her and I don't want her to lose that love. I used to have that. A part of me still does, it just needs to get louder. But the nights are lonely. My bed feels too big and I miss the feeling of arms holding me tight and making me feel like everything is okay.
I'm not one of those girls who needs a guy. I've been single more than I've been in a relationship. I know I can do it on my own. I just hate the lonely feeling. 

Awakened

Finally snapped out of my funk-I think it was about a two + year funk.  Between everything that happened with my daughter's dad and the most recent guy . . .maybe that was why. I never really let myself grieve anything. Grieve the losses that I had-my almost marriage, being accused of cheating (my ex told mutual friends that he wasn't sure the baby was his-I found out about the pregnancy four days after we called off the wedding-the child is yours dummy), being left again after the birth with no explanation. And then getting into a not-relationship that turned into one just to be left again. But then-just a couple days ago. . .I realized how unhappy I had been for so long-because I was suddenly extremely happy. I felt good.

New Life

So, everything is new again. After being left by my daughter's father five days after her birth, my last boyfriend left after a year of stringing me along and making me think that there was something going on long term. But I guess I knew he was leaving. But don't you think when you live with someone for over 8 months, eventually you would have either said "I'm gonna stay." or "Maybe this isn't for me." instead of waiting until you have all your stuff back at your parents house 1200 miles away and then telling me "I don't have the energy-we got into this too fast."  Too fast? We did this for over a year!
But Cest la Vie - life will go on. Now I have one less thing to split my attention and I think my daughter enjoys not having to share my attention at home now.
I know I'm not the only single mom out there blogging-but this is my experience and hopefully someone else can relate and see that they aren't alone.