Guilt is Inherited

I feel guilty over every little thing I do, think, say. I feel guilty for typing this now. My daughter is entertaining herself so I have a couple moments to sit alone. But sometimes I want more or I want someone else here.  I wish there were two people here for her.  And wanting to put up Christmas decorations and on the verge of tears because my girl won't be with me Christmas morning; and no one else will be either.  I just want to be happy again and not feel so guilty about what I think she's missing out on. I thought last night; I didn't miss one Christmas with my mom and dad until I after I turned 18. And I'm missing my 20 month old's 2nd Christmas and will miss every other one until she's 18 along with every other holiday.  I'm selfish-I want her to myself. I don't want to share with a guy who walked out. I know he's half her genetic makeup-but I don't want to share this gorgeous gift with him. I wish it was someone else--anyone else--that I'd had her with. But that brings guilt-because she wouldn't be the awesome little girl I love, she'd be a different little girl (or boy) that I would love just as much.