Guilt is Inherited

I feel guilty over every little thing I do, think, say. I feel guilty for typing this now. My daughter is entertaining herself so I have a couple moments to sit alone. But sometimes I want more or I want someone else here.  I wish there were two people here for her.  And wanting to put up Christmas decorations and on the verge of tears because my girl won't be with me Christmas morning; and no one else will be either.  I just want to be happy again and not feel so guilty about what I think she's missing out on. I thought last night; I didn't miss one Christmas with my mom and dad until I after I turned 18. And I'm missing my 20 month old's 2nd Christmas and will miss every other one until she's 18 along with every other holiday.  I'm selfish-I want her to myself. I don't want to share with a guy who walked out. I know he's half her genetic makeup-but I don't want to share this gorgeous gift with him. I wish it was someone else--anyone else--that I'd had her with. But that brings guilt-because she wouldn't be the awesome little girl I love, she'd be a different little girl (or boy) that I would love just as much.

Love will tear us apart

I'm a hopeless romantic. I love to be in love. I still think it will happen for me, but the other part of me that's a cynic is telling me it's never going to happen. Who's gonna love a girl with another guy's kid? That guy didn't want you-he left. He looked his daughter and former fiance in the eye and still walked out the door. Then there was B. Who didn't want a relationship, just someone to be around while he stayed in Wyoming. Great!  I didn't want anything serious either, but when you stick around for over a year and live with me and my daughter for eight months, it doesn't matter that you didn't want anything serious, you got it. But I guess when the baby isn't yours-you get to leave whenever. No looking back.
But then-there are the guys who look back! Getting emails and texts telling me that you should have married me when we haven't talked like that in over five years! But then telling me "Oh, we're going through a rough patch. . .Sorry." The one person I would have married in a heartbeat if he would have asked. But you know. . .whatever.  I just to wait. . .and wait. . . and wait.
I love my daughter. I love watching everyday discoveries. She loves everything and everyone around her and I don't want her to lose that love. I used to have that. A part of me still does, it just needs to get louder. But the nights are lonely. My bed feels too big and I miss the feeling of arms holding me tight and making me feel like everything is okay.
I'm not one of those girls who needs a guy. I've been single more than I've been in a relationship. I know I can do it on my own. I just hate the lonely feeling. 

Awakened

Finally snapped out of my funk-I think it was about a two + year funk.  Between everything that happened with my daughter's dad and the most recent guy . . .maybe that was why. I never really let myself grieve anything. Grieve the losses that I had-my almost marriage, being accused of cheating (my ex told mutual friends that he wasn't sure the baby was his-I found out about the pregnancy four days after we called off the wedding-the child is yours dummy), being left again after the birth with no explanation. And then getting into a not-relationship that turned into one just to be left again. But then-just a couple days ago. . .I realized how unhappy I had been for so long-because I was suddenly extremely happy. I felt good.

New Life

So, everything is new again. After being left by my daughter's father five days after her birth, my last boyfriend left after a year of stringing me along and making me think that there was something going on long term. But I guess I knew he was leaving. But don't you think when you live with someone for over 8 months, eventually you would have either said "I'm gonna stay." or "Maybe this isn't for me." instead of waiting until you have all your stuff back at your parents house 1200 miles away and then telling me "I don't have the energy-we got into this too fast."  Too fast? We did this for over a year!
But Cest la Vie - life will go on. Now I have one less thing to split my attention and I think my daughter enjoys not having to share my attention at home now.
I know I'm not the only single mom out there blogging-but this is my experience and hopefully someone else can relate and see that they aren't alone.