Letter to no one

I know you're not going to read this.  You left as fast as you came. Didn't matter who you took out in your wake, but you knew you didn't want to stay.  I'm writing this-not because I want you back-but because for the first time in almost two years, I didn't get hurt by your memory.   I listened to our song on the radio on the way home and didn't cry.  I didn't let myself change the station-because normally the band that played that song is too painful to hear as well.  But I made it through, and realized it wasn't ever "our song".  You were never in this relationship like I was-I don't know if it was a game-or a challenge to you, but I finally reached the point where I'm no longer hurt by our memories.  And I did something I never thought I was going to do--I talked to the guy in town you hated.  And guess what?  Now he's my friend.  I don't think you've ever had a "friend" that you couldn't get something out of.  And when they're used up - it's treat them like shit until they make you get out of their life.  That way it's not your fault.  You get to stay the victim.  Lord knows you've been playing one the whole time you were with me. . ."Oh, ex-girlfriend was so mean." "Oh, my car" "Oh, my old roommate is a crazy jerk, look what everyone is doing to me"  STOP! Look what you're doing to everyone else! You try to be the victim, because you set yourself up to be it. 
So, good bye to you. I deserve so much better.

Memory fail

I've always held the belief that everything happens for a reason.  That people are meant to be in your life, things are meant to happen; all to make us better people as we make our way through life.  I don't know if it's the sting of hurt that is clouding my judgement or not, but I don't see any good reason for B. I didn't learn anything new about myself.  He didn't change my world for the better. It's the first time I've ever honestly wished I could erase all those memories.  Every time I think of something good that we did or shared--it's tainted by the hurt and anger that I feel now.  Music - something I love - has been hijacked by the fact that it was something I shared with him.  I can't listen to most of my favorite music without a memory being brought to the forefront.  I know it's good that we're not talking, but that hurts too.  We talked for so long-almost 2 years, almost every day.  I just need some good juju back in my life to clear the hurt.  It doesn't help that my daughter is with her dad.  She has always been such a light in my life, keeps me calm and happy.   

Been a long time. . .

Trying to get my head on straight.  Most things are going really well, schools almost done. Getting work part of my life on a better level.  My little girl isn't so little anymore.  She's become a little girl-talking, just growing everyday. 
I finally got rid of B. in my life.  Even after he left us last year-we still talked.  Stayed friends, still cheering each other on. But when he decided to move back to the area and go to school in Colorado, he tested my friendship limits.  I realized he lied to me every chance he got.  Left a girlfriend in Ohio, but still came up and used me for what ever twisted reason he had.  I know now it wasn't love or friendship.  I don't know what compels people to treat people the way they do. 
I know one day I'll find the last piece of my family puzzle.  But I need to feel like I deserve it before he shows up.