Helter Skelter

Been bad about posting. . .things got crazy busy in a good way.  Going to try to blog more often.

My world has been blessed-ly normal lately.  Good job, mini-me is happy, money isn't a scary thing (barring any accidents) and all that.  The one thing that never picked up is leaving the single life.  As much as I want to be happily attached, I also get serious panic attacks when there is the possibility of someone else coming in to my happy life. Probably because I've seen too many of them leave.
Now here's the thing, I'm a smart girl.  I know that in order to give something a chance, you have to swallow your fears.  Be happy and happiness will come to you.  I've read all the Hallmark greetings and throw pillows and posters with cute baby animals.  But because I am finally happy Cat again. . . I don't ever want to sink to sad momma all because some guy (yet again) decides that I'm not worth it.  Because I am . . . I give my all to people I care about.  And I can't give that away again.  At least not yet.

Give me something to break!

Angry! Angry at so many things I can't control, but still make me angry.  The rest of this post will be full of curse words, you have been warned:

Fuck the University! How dare you tell me I'm not good enough for your school after I worked my ass off this last semester to prove myself.

Fuck the conservative assholes who hate my entire lifestyle.  I'm a bi, single mother who works.  I use some federal assistance so I can pay for child care, oh yeah. . so I can work.  And attempt to go to school. . .OH YEAH! Fuck those guys again.

Fuck the NRA and gun rights assholes who can't see past their right to own a WEAPON that can kill someone.  I live in a hunting state, I support the right to use it for hunting and for protection if you think you need to go that far. But fuck these assholes for thinking that my right to live in peace and without fear of some asshole with a gun somehow infringes on their right to own a military grade weapon. (These are qualified statements. . .not every gunowner is an asshole, not every gun should be banned and not every person with the qualifications and proper training and gun handling techniques should be accused of being an "gun rights asshole" )

Fuck the so-called "friends" who can't see beyond their own god-damn nose.

Fuck the religious crazies who preach love and practice hate.

Fuck the political system that values cash over the people who elected them,  and fuck the same system that lets the cash have a voice.

There's more-but now I'm tired. .. 

Just like starting over. . .

I feel closure now.  Life is going in a brand new direction and I'm excited to see where it's going to take me.  I'm running my first obstacle course 5k this weekend and spending time with the people that I love and who love me back.  Long story short-B came back for a bit.  Got drunk and told me all the pretty words I'd been waiting to hear for so long.  But in the end, his hypocrisy and true colors came out and I was able to clearly see that this wasn't my Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack in "Say Anything").  I want. . . no, need, someone who will love me as fiercely as I love them.  And respect me and my daughter. 
But as much as I want the couple part, I'm putting that on the backburner.  I'm going back to school for a Psychology degree-which really worries my daughter's father (in a funny, "I'm going to get into his head" kind of way).  And I'm curious to see where this new path will take me.  It's amazing to see how much has changed and a lot of it came from seeing B one last time.  Well, who knows if it's the official last time- I'm not one for absolutes. After our last fight, I "never" thought I would talk to him, let alone see him ever again. And I did.
Anyway.. . enough about him.  The last couple months have given me a new clarity.  I know the people I can count on and the ones I can't.  I know the people who will lift me up and the people who will push me down.  And I know who to make the extra effort for.  I've had good fortune and bad, seen friends pass on and friends start new chapters with marriage and children and I know that when it's time for me to get to my new family chapter, I'll know.  For now, my new life chapter is beginning.  School, work, and working on me.  I feel amazing and hope that I continue to feel like that for a long time to come.

Presenting. . .the incredible shrinking woman!

If you've known me for any length of time, you know that the scale and I have never been friends. It crept up while I sat there with my pint of Ben and Jerry's wondering why?  Okay, I didn't wonder.  I knew full well that a love of food and a severe dislike of running added to my waistline.  So, 9 years ago when I stepped on that Weight Watchers scale and it told me 263, I wasn't too surprised.  I graduated in 2000 at about 250.  Not too worried, it runs in my family.  I was "active", I played sports, walked all over town, did the things I thought would help.  I read every diet/exercise/change your life book/article/magazine I could get my hands on.  I went to the meetings, and lost 10 lbs. And then I stayed there for 2 years. In 2006, I worked for a couple who were really set on losing weight and getting in shape. Lots of research went into what would work for us and we settled on The Abs Diet.  I loved it! It didn't cut out entire food groups, it cut out junk food; with opportunities to satisfy cravings if you wanted.  I lost 50 lbs in 7 months. Finally I had hope that I wouldn't be the fat girl forever!  I did gain 20 lbs of that back, and had a baby in between.  But now, since October of 2010, I've lost another 45 lbs, which makes grand total since that scale step in 2003--80 lbs.  I'm at 183 (ish, Christmas had way too much good food).  Size 14/16.  I was a 22/24 when I started all this.  And I'm freaking out a little now -  I still feel like the big girl.  Because I honestly don't feel like I look any different.  The biggest difference is everyone else notices. I try to look at old pictures (which are scarce because I hated pictures back then) and I really can't tell.  I still see that big girl in the mirror.  Maybe I'll get over all this psychobabble and finally feel like the girl who doesn't need to hide under baggy clothes and be the wallflower.  I think "Fatlin" will always linger, but I hope it's in a way that makes me look at all those people who used to make fun of me and flip them off. 

New Year, New Me. . . or at least an awesome revamp

I spend the last couple weeks of December thinking of the obligatory resolutions that I've been making since I knew what resolutions were.  Every year, at the top of the list was "lose weight".  And this year I finally did it. . .still working on it, but I do believe it's time to retire that resolution.  So this year-I have new goals.

*I'm going to teach myself to play guitar. 
*I'm going to learn to ski and snowboard. Get outside in the snow more.
*I'm going to be happy-with whatever life hands me.
*I'm going to start school again, and start getting my life where it needs to be.
*I'm going to have the most rocking 30th birthday!
There's more, but since I spent the last year getting rid of the old, bad influences in my life and finally realizing how toxic those people were, it's just going to be happy Mama from now on.

Did I see you with Jesus?

I've been making this blog about my personal experiences with a certain person.  I didn't mean for this to happen, but I let B. into so much of my life, that I'm finding it hard to get memories of him and us out of my head. Especially with the holiday coming up.

I love Halloween.  I love dressing up. I love being scared and watching scary movies and the whole thing. It's during Fall (my favorite season) and it's wonderful.  Halloween 2009 started off like it was going to be awesome.  I was with a guy I was starting to fall for, it was my kiddo's first Halloween, I spent the week before getting my other friend's daughters costumes ready and being altogether in a fantastic holiday mood.  My girl had her first little cold, so she ended up hanging out at G-ma's so I could go out on the town with my friends. My two favorite girls made awesome holiday drinks and we got ready for the night.  B. dressed up as Jesus (the long hair and beard he was already sporting made it awesome) and we got J. ready as a farm girl.  My real friends (the other girls) took off for their party and that left me, J. and B. to head downtown. I noticed some chemistry happening between J. and B. but I was told by both that I was being silly. So the three of us head out for an awesome night of dancing and drinking. Well, it started out that way.  I ended up getting left every 15 minutes or so by the other two for a smoke break.  Then spending another 10 trying to find them.  Not in the alley, not in line to get back in, not upstairs.

I'm smart when I go out.  I stay with my friends, I don't leave my drink unattended, all those things we're told when we reach party age.  During one of my round trips of trying to find my "friends", I was grabbed from behind, pulled into a booth in the Parlor Bar, and was molested by some guy.  His friends stood and blocked us from view of the rest of the crowd--the drink I had was knocked out of my hand by one of the friends.  It was one of the scariest things that's happened to me.  I felt helpless.  I lost my friends, I felt trapped and I knew no one would have been able to hear me over the music.  I don't remember how I finally got away, but I did. Luckily it wasn't anything worse than wandering hands and a forceful kiss.

I finally found the other two and we walked back home.  I remember breaking down in tears a couple times during the walk home.  I didn't tell my friends what had happened so I was put to bed in B.'s room and left alone.  They thought I was too drunk.  Apparently that was also the first night B and J got together--in B's roommate's bed. Classy, huh? When I did finally tell my friends what had happened to me, I was told that I should have said something. I should have screamed--I know everything I should have done. And I froze. The week that followed just seemed to get worse. And that is my new holiday memory. Instead of the fun times that should have happened, I lost two people that I had become really close to, and also had the unpleasant experience of talking to the police later that next week.  I need a new memory- and I also need to forget B. Anyone in blogland have a good way to do that?

Time is on my side. . .

My sister just got married a week ago. School is done, the graduation ceremony is in a week.  I have a wonderful daughter, a promising job (a slow start though) and great friends. So why do I feel like something is missing?  I've been single way more than I've ever been in a relationship.  But it sadly feels like a piece is missing, because I don't have a friend here at my house, what should be our house. I don't like thinking that I need a guy around.  I'm perfectly capable of doing things by myself.  A. is a happy, healthy almost 3 year old and I did that.  I do most of my own handyman repairs and cook and clean and run my house.  But still-something doesn't feel right. I mentioned to my mom that I felt weird being one of the few totally single one's at my sister's wedding.  She said "Having a husband isn't all it's cracked up to be." Yeah, well-you have one! And an awesome one to boot.  One day I want to have more kids-give A. the siblings I was so fortunate to have.  I just need to find a guy up to the challenge of dealing with a girl like me.  I just have to wait.