Remembering

9-11.  The day my generation will remember exactly what they were doing.  Most of us planted in front of a TV, waiting for more news. Calling loved ones.  I slept through the whole thing.  It was a Tuesday, my late class day.  My roommate didn't have class until 11 either, so we slept.  By the time we woke up, everything was different. IM's telling K. what happened, people telling me in the hall.  Both of us thinking some one was playing a horrible joke or watching a bad movie.  It sounded like a Michael Bay plot to me.  Then it sunk in, my dorm neighbor's dad worked at the Pentagon.  She couldn't get a hold of her family because too many calls were flooding the lines.  He was okay, but the worry and panic-brought the East Coast troubles a little closer to home. Everything did seem so much farther away that day.  I thought of my cousin and my friend, who were both in the Army.  What was going to happen to them?
And now as 10 years have passed-the people I've met and the stories they told, brought everything even closer to me.  I was a nanny for a year for a couple who worked at the Pentagon when Rumsfeld was the SoD.  They introduced me to someone who should have been there on 9-11.  Possibly close to where the plane hit, but something kept him home.  Friends who were in New York that day, friends who were on a ship in the Pacific.  Everyone was so effected by this that no matter how far away you were from the actual crashes-you weren't really that far.  To the thousands who lost their lives, to the millions whose lives were affected--we will never forget you.  Namaste.

Letter to no one

I know you're not going to read this.  You left as fast as you came. Didn't matter who you took out in your wake, but you knew you didn't want to stay.  I'm writing this-not because I want you back-but because for the first time in almost two years, I didn't get hurt by your memory.   I listened to our song on the radio on the way home and didn't cry.  I didn't let myself change the station-because normally the band that played that song is too painful to hear as well.  But I made it through, and realized it wasn't ever "our song".  You were never in this relationship like I was-I don't know if it was a game-or a challenge to you, but I finally reached the point where I'm no longer hurt by our memories.  And I did something I never thought I was going to do--I talked to the guy in town you hated.  And guess what?  Now he's my friend.  I don't think you've ever had a "friend" that you couldn't get something out of.  And when they're used up - it's treat them like shit until they make you get out of their life.  That way it's not your fault.  You get to stay the victim.  Lord knows you've been playing one the whole time you were with me. . ."Oh, ex-girlfriend was so mean." "Oh, my car" "Oh, my old roommate is a crazy jerk, look what everyone is doing to me"  STOP! Look what you're doing to everyone else! You try to be the victim, because you set yourself up to be it. 
So, good bye to you. I deserve so much better.

Memory fail

I've always held the belief that everything happens for a reason.  That people are meant to be in your life, things are meant to happen; all to make us better people as we make our way through life.  I don't know if it's the sting of hurt that is clouding my judgement or not, but I don't see any good reason for B. I didn't learn anything new about myself.  He didn't change my world for the better. It's the first time I've ever honestly wished I could erase all those memories.  Every time I think of something good that we did or shared--it's tainted by the hurt and anger that I feel now.  Music - something I love - has been hijacked by the fact that it was something I shared with him.  I can't listen to most of my favorite music without a memory being brought to the forefront.  I know it's good that we're not talking, but that hurts too.  We talked for so long-almost 2 years, almost every day.  I just need some good juju back in my life to clear the hurt.  It doesn't help that my daughter is with her dad.  She has always been such a light in my life, keeps me calm and happy.   

Been a long time. . .

Trying to get my head on straight.  Most things are going really well, schools almost done. Getting work part of my life on a better level.  My little girl isn't so little anymore.  She's become a little girl-talking, just growing everyday. 
I finally got rid of B. in my life.  Even after he left us last year-we still talked.  Stayed friends, still cheering each other on. But when he decided to move back to the area and go to school in Colorado, he tested my friendship limits.  I realized he lied to me every chance he got.  Left a girlfriend in Ohio, but still came up and used me for what ever twisted reason he had.  I know now it wasn't love or friendship.  I don't know what compels people to treat people the way they do. 
I know one day I'll find the last piece of my family puzzle.  But I need to feel like I deserve it before he shows up. 

Break on through to the other side

Very excited.  After some tumultuous times with my daughters other family, we finally had a sit down talk like respecting adults.  I've been saying for months, years even-since I knew I wasn't going to be with the dad while I was pregnant, that I wanted my daughter to have a relationship with that side of her family.  But they've been treating me like I'm this evil person.  I found out why, my ex's dad had another family-an ex-wife and daughter that he's barely seen.  And I unfortunately got lumped into the "league of evil exes" because of it.
But after yet another screaming match with my ex, I drove over to his parents house, and got into it with his dad. But one thing that my ex did NOT get from his dad-is the power to calm down and have a rational adult conversation.  But after having that with his parents, his mom came in afterward, I can see a light at the end of this tunnel. I'll be very excited when I can start posting more positive things!  Just that 30 minutes with his parents gave me hope for a better time dealing with her dad.

Just go away. . . if it were only that easy

One of these days, I'm going to be happy. Everything is going to work and my daughter's dad and I will start to act like adults for our daughters sake. 
But apparently that time is not now.  This weekend is just a blur of missed communication and screaming (all him) and I don't know what else I can do beside keep asking for some kind of meeting with a neutral party.  But, that's not going to happen either.  I don't want to get mean, I want my girl to know her dad but I also want to be treated with respect.
One day. . .

Bitter is as bitter does

A big part of my motherhood journey is finding the balance between the "single" and the "mom" parts of my title.  I've been nothing but a doormat to these guys who feel the need to come into my life and mess it up.  Some were unintentional, but one--just doesn't get it.  Why on earth would you decide to tell a just dumped single mom that you wish you could go back in time and be with her?  And then get all butt hurt when she tries to call you on your crap? 
It's the same with my daughter's father--he turns about 5 when he doesn't get his way (and half the time, I don't even know what his way is, he won't talk to me about anything important) and runs and tells his lawyer that I'm being mean.  Awww, poor guy.  
But as I balance these jerks with my daughter's care. . . it's becoming a tiring battle.  Between school so I can make a better life for us and work (which contains the same high school crap I longed to get away from).  I'm tired. I feel like I fail at every turn. The only plus is that my daughter is happy and healthy. 

I know that's all I need. . . I know that's all I need. . . .I know that's all. . . .