Just like starting over. . .

I feel closure now.  Life is going in a brand new direction and I'm excited to see where it's going to take me.  I'm running my first obstacle course 5k this weekend and spending time with the people that I love and who love me back.  Long story short-B came back for a bit.  Got drunk and told me all the pretty words I'd been waiting to hear for so long.  But in the end, his hypocrisy and true colors came out and I was able to clearly see that this wasn't my Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack in "Say Anything").  I want. . . no, need, someone who will love me as fiercely as I love them.  And respect me and my daughter. 
But as much as I want the couple part, I'm putting that on the backburner.  I'm going back to school for a Psychology degree-which really worries my daughter's father (in a funny, "I'm going to get into his head" kind of way).  And I'm curious to see where this new path will take me.  It's amazing to see how much has changed and a lot of it came from seeing B one last time.  Well, who knows if it's the official last time- I'm not one for absolutes. After our last fight, I "never" thought I would talk to him, let alone see him ever again. And I did.
Anyway.. . enough about him.  The last couple months have given me a new clarity.  I know the people I can count on and the ones I can't.  I know the people who will lift me up and the people who will push me down.  And I know who to make the extra effort for.  I've had good fortune and bad, seen friends pass on and friends start new chapters with marriage and children and I know that when it's time for me to get to my new family chapter, I'll know.  For now, my new life chapter is beginning.  School, work, and working on me.  I feel amazing and hope that I continue to feel like that for a long time to come.

Presenting. . .the incredible shrinking woman!

If you've known me for any length of time, you know that the scale and I have never been friends. It crept up while I sat there with my pint of Ben and Jerry's wondering why?  Okay, I didn't wonder.  I knew full well that a love of food and a severe dislike of running added to my waistline.  So, 9 years ago when I stepped on that Weight Watchers scale and it told me 263, I wasn't too surprised.  I graduated in 2000 at about 250.  Not too worried, it runs in my family.  I was "active", I played sports, walked all over town, did the things I thought would help.  I read every diet/exercise/change your life book/article/magazine I could get my hands on.  I went to the meetings, and lost 10 lbs. And then I stayed there for 2 years. In 2006, I worked for a couple who were really set on losing weight and getting in shape. Lots of research went into what would work for us and we settled on The Abs Diet.  I loved it! It didn't cut out entire food groups, it cut out junk food; with opportunities to satisfy cravings if you wanted.  I lost 50 lbs in 7 months. Finally I had hope that I wouldn't be the fat girl forever!  I did gain 20 lbs of that back, and had a baby in between.  But now, since October of 2010, I've lost another 45 lbs, which makes grand total since that scale step in 2003--80 lbs.  I'm at 183 (ish, Christmas had way too much good food).  Size 14/16.  I was a 22/24 when I started all this.  And I'm freaking out a little now -  I still feel like the big girl.  Because I honestly don't feel like I look any different.  The biggest difference is everyone else notices. I try to look at old pictures (which are scarce because I hated pictures back then) and I really can't tell.  I still see that big girl in the mirror.  Maybe I'll get over all this psychobabble and finally feel like the girl who doesn't need to hide under baggy clothes and be the wallflower.  I think "Fatlin" will always linger, but I hope it's in a way that makes me look at all those people who used to make fun of me and flip them off.